Down and out

Hey everyone,


It is embarassing how long it has been since I've written in my blog. First of all, some updates, since is has been so long. I'm going to Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary. Right now I'm signed up for the Master of Divinity program (a three-year program) but am thinking about a dual-degree program they have. They have a partnership with University of Louisville to offer a dual-degree Master of Divinity/ Master of Science of Social Work. This would be a 4 year program, though, so I'm not sure if my budget or my life can commit to another year right now. So we'll see.

Work is going well. I have less than a month left in Nashville. I'm excited about this class, called "Sharing your Stories" I'm doing for the last month at the Campus. It's inspired by the Life Stories class I took at Elon my last semester, a class that was really meaningful to me. Of coarse, that class was a semester-long course that met twice a week so this class is going to be a very abridges version but I hope it turns into a good class.

One big reason I have been so out-of-pocket is because I really not been feeling well. It's a a long story but basically, my body has been going crazy in the last several months. I have been having joint pain, stiffness and swelling, I have these spots called petechaie on my legs that come and go, persistant headaches, feeling tired all the time, feeling light-headed, having tingles in my fingers and muscle and nerve spasms, feeling like my brain is foggy a lot, feeling like my nerves are going crazy. Yeah, that's pretty much it. At first I didn't think much of it because it was just just back/neck issues and feeling nervous a lot but I blamed it on being in a new place or thought that is was maybe because I went off a medication in August that has weird withdrawal symptoms. It wasn't until the petechaie showed up in April and my knees swelled soon after that I knew something wasn't normal.


As of now, the doctor is still trying to figure out what is going on. They have suspcted celiac, lupus, IBD and other things but are still trying to figure out what it is, because it is, as they say, "all very complicated". The good news is that in the past 2 weeks, I have been feeling really good..I have been feeling like myself again. I still would really like to get to the bottom of this to figure out what has been causing all these problems and to prevent it from happening again.

Please pray that they can figure out what's going on, preferably before I move to Louisville. I would really like to have this all figured out so I can have it behind me when I go back to school.

Katie and I had our "YAV Sunday" worship service last Sunday. It was amazing to see how much goes into a worship service. The service ended up going well and it was a good experience. For the "sermon" Katie and I both did reflections of our year. If you're interested in reading, here is my reflection:

About a month ago, I traversed up to Kansas City where I met up with my immediately family. From there we drove down to Branson, Missouri to join the rest of our extended family for a much- anticipated family reunion. During this trip, my mom’s boyfriend asked me the question, “How has this year of service changed your understanding of the world?” What a question to ask on vacation, when I was hoping to get away and not have to think too hard. It was such a difficult question that I told him that I would have to get back to him with my answer. A day later, I finally had an answer. Upon reflecting about all the aspects of my year, my answer was that “Things are complicated.” You’d think that after having had a whole day to think about it, I could have come up with better answer, but I felt that one statement pretty well summed up many of the things I had learned in the past 9 months.
First of all, I have learned that most social and political situations are complicated. I saw this both through my time at the Campus for Human Development and through learning about the work of TCASK through Katie. My understanding of homelessness has continually changed within the last several years. Before college, I really believed that homeless people were just addicts who were too lazy to work, or, as the popular adage goes, that they “choose to be homeless”. As I learned more about poverty and social injustices during college, however, my understanding of homelessness shifted dramatically. I began to believe that homelessness was all because of inefficient government programs and the inequity between the rich and the poor. After 10 months of working with those struggling with homelessness, I have found that I am not on either extreme of the spectrum, but have landed somewhere in the middle.
I’ve learned that there are many, many factors that play a role as to why people are homeless, including poverty, disability, untreated mental illnesses, and lack of knowledge about available resources. While some people I’ve encountered do seem a little less than motivated to get off the streets, most of them are trying to turn their lives around. I’ve learned that once you have a back break or two and become homeless, it is harder to get back on your feet than you’d imagine. Moreover, the isolation many of the people feel propels them into further depression and stagnance. At the Campus, we often use the phrase “those who find themselves homeless” when we refer to our participants. We use this phrase because we feel it is much better than saying “homeless people” or “the homeless”. I really like it because I feel that it portrays how easy it is to become homeless. I’ve learned this year that it happens much more easily than people realize- that it could happen to me or you.
This year has also reminded me that community and relationships are complicated. Subconsciously I had thought of community in an idealistic way and thought that Katie and I would instantly be best friends. We have both been frustrated throughout the year with feeling like we don’t have as much chemistry or as much in common as we both hoped. Although we have grown closer over the year, it has taken time and it has been a process of learning to accept one another. However, I’ve come to believe that struggle in community is perhaps what makes community “community” and is what makes it full of growth and learning to love. Our relationships with participants at the Campus can sometimes be complicated. A lesson I’ve really had to learn this year is how to have appropriate boundaries. I’ve learned how to serve participants but also to avoid burnout; to provide hospitality and care but also to stand up for myself.
One thing that has been a particular hardship for me this year, mostly in the past few months, is some health problems. After I kept having strange symptom after strange symptom, I knew I needed to get it checked out. As of yet, they are still trying to figure out what is going on because it is, as they say, all “very complicated”. Life is complicated…. Who would have known? There is a saying coined by Laura Hileman that has been going around the Second community that says “It’s not a question of either/or but ‘both’ and ‘and’ and ‘always more.’ I feel this sums up most of life.
In contrast, I’ve come to believe that things like faith, spirituality, hope, and non-violence are not as complicated as I once believed. During my time at the Campus, I have run into a variety of people who have taught me a lot about faith. I have met many people, who, despite having very little, have a lot of faith and profound generosity, and who are grateful for what they have. These people have helped me understand what it means to have the faith of a child. The funny thing about mission is that you come in thinking you are going to help those you serve but they end up helping and teaching you even more. I have felt more of God’s presence and love in our community at the Campus than in much of “real life”.
I have learned of the tremendous sense of hope guiding the Campus and it has made me realize that my former understanding of hope was meager and jaded. I’ve come to see the many dimensions of violence but have come to believe more fully in the many layers of non-violence. Mostly, I’ve found how spirituality, love, hospitality, respect, hope, community, and non-violence are intimately connected.
At the beginning of our year, Katie and I tried to implement all sort of practices in order to deepen the spirituality of our community. Needless to say, we set unrealistic expectations and gave most of them up after awhile. It was then that I realized that maybe spirituality isn’t complicated. Maybe spirituality is found in the mundane activities like doing chores around the house, going to choir practice on Wednesday nights, the grace of a free meal (something I’ve really come to appreciate this year) and hearing about each other’s days. Maybe faith and spirituality have more to do with coming to see and appreciate the little things in life.

During college I was a part of the sorority Alpha Chi Omega. The organization has a guiding poem, called their symphony, that became meaningful to me during college and which speaks to my experiences this year. The poem begins, “To see beauty even in the common things of life, to shed the light of love and friendship round me” and goes on to say “to appreciate every little service rendered/ to see and appreciate all that is noble in another” and closes with “This is to be my symphony.” I‘ve come to believe that these lines exemplify much of what I’ve learned about spirituality this year. And as I go forth onto the next chapter of my life, I will say “Yes, this is to be my symphony.”

Okay, better go now. I'm going camping this weekend for my birthday and have a lot to get done before I go. Would love to hear all of you!