The homeless kitten and other musings....

So a while back, a 6-week old kitten showed up at work. I said that Katie and I would take it while they were finding it a permanent home (it has since found one). We ended up having it for about 5 days and after that 5 days, I realized that having a kitten is a little bit like having a baby and that I really did not want to own a kitten for a long time, if ever.

The kitten was very cute but it kept me up all night, made several messes (it wasn't quite potty-trained), and cost money. I realized today, when another stray cat followed me home (it's not my fault...animals just gravitate towards me), that this whole stray animal thing is symbolic. It is a symbol for my relationship with the participants at work and the importance of setting boundaries.

I took the kitten home because I felt sorry for it and wanted to help it. But then today, another cat showed up and I realized that I just could not go through the same thing with this cat too. I guess there will always be stray cats, just like there will always be people who are homeless, and there will be people who choose to stay stuck in that even though we try to help. And it is not up to me to save them or the stray cats.

We were talking about this a little bit at church on Sunday. Robb- who is our nurse practitioner at the Campus- talked a little bit about how he realized that he couldn't save everyone and that it wasn't his responsibility. This was a good reminder for me. Maybe it's the perfectionist in me, but I want to solve all the problems and help everyone...I want to make the world a better place.
I guess that's why it's so crucial to realize that God is the one who ultimates decides what happens, but how that is also not an excuse to sit back and do nothing.

It is definitely a fine line and I think it is going to be one that I'm really going to have to learn this year. I've been thinking about how change doesn't have to huge to be valuable and that even small steps in the right direction are crucial and need to be appreciated/celebrated. That is something I need to think about in my year working at the Campus and also my own life.

Let's see....prayer requests include: not getting sick again (especially as we are starting up our even-more-hectic winter shelter program at work), preparation for recruitment I'm going to do at Elon next weekend, and Katie and I could continue to build community and grow our relationship.

I am going to visit Vanderbilt Divinity School tomorrow (complete with coffee hour, lunch with a student and sitting in on a class). I'm really excited, but please pray for clarity about whether this is where I'm being called for next year.


Thanks!!!

Affirmation

Hello everyone. Once again, it has been awhile since I’ve blogged. I think I’m finally starting to realize how unrealistic my “I’m going to blog every 2-3 days” goal was. But I am going to plan on blogging at least once a week. Hopefully I can keep up with that one!

Things are going quite well. I’m finally over that cold, which is very good news. That was the second cold in the past month ½ and I was really annoyed I had gotten sick again. When I was talking to one of my co-workers about his experiences about when he first started working at the Campus, he said he was sick all the time his first several months. “Great!” I thought….I don’t want that to be the case for me! I’m going to go get a flu shot tomorrow to help prevent getting sick. I’m also going to start taking those Airborne things and hopefully discipline myself to get 8 hours of sleep a night. I’m hoping all of those things combined will prevent me from getting sick a lot.

The past week and a half of work has been interesting (well, working at the Campus is never dull but this past week has been especially interesting). About 2 weeks ago one of the participants started giving me gifts…At first it was harmless things like a drawing, and a “welcome to Nashville” Tennessee Titans t-shirt. But then it turned into a teddy bear and a perfume set. We have a rule at work that we can’t accept any gifts over $25 that I didn’t know about so I accepted the gifts reluctantly but politely. But last weekend, as I thought more about the situation, I realized that I needed to say something because these gifts were really nice gifts that probably cost a lot. So I talked with a co-worker about the situation and she as well had felt uncomfortable with this participant. We talked to our manager about it and resolved the situation. I also talked to the participant about the gifts and how big gifts like that weren’t appropriate and that he needed to stop…I was afraid he was going to blow a fuse but he seemed to handle it well when I was talking to him. It wasn’t until later when he was talking to other staff about me that he really said what he thought! haha. But that’s beside the point.
My point in this story is that I had gotten a creepy feeling from this guy from the first day he came through and I didn’t trust it like I should have. I tend to have a strong intuition about people and I really should have trusted that and at least warned people to watch out for him. So….even more lessons about learning to trust and stand up for myself!

I also saw my first seizure at the Campus this week. Apparently, it’s something that happens a lot but I’ve never seen a person have a seizure before and I was afraid that I would freeze in that situation. But somehow, I didn’t shut down as we trying to assess the situation and call the doctor. So I guess it’s good to know that God provides in emergencies. ….that somehow you gain the skills and quick judgment you didn’t know you had!

I am going back to Elon for Homecoming in 2 weeks and I can’t wait. One great part of that trip is that I am going to do some recruiting for the program while I’m there……hopefully the people at Elon will be receptive! I’m amazed at how much I still miss college. The last several months have been such a slew of transitions…first the “I’m a college graduate” transition and then transition of having a full-time job, and for the Campus, adjusting to a very different work environment. I love the program here and work but sometimes I do still feel like I’m on vacation or dreaming (especially working at the Campus), like this isn’t really my home. I hope that fades with time. Please pray that I could really come to feel totally at home here.

One final thing I want to share. I got an interesting Facebook message today. A guy I knew from Elon who graduated a year before me and who’s apparently going to Seminary at McAfee School of Theology (it’s through Mercer University) in Atlanta and who is working in their admissions office. I had given my name to Elon’s assistant chaplain ages ago and had gone to an informal info session about McAfee but I hadn’t heard anything about it again until today when Carson sent me a message. He said my name he had found my name in a list of people who they Admission Office wanted to contact about seminary. I told Carson I think I wanted a seminary with more Presbyterian roots (McAfee is Baptist) but that I would definitely consider it and that I wanted to learn more about McAfee and his first-year experience.
I’m not sure if McAfee is the right place for me but the timing just seems like such an eerie coincidence, considering I JUST decided that I want to go to seminary. It feels like it is God’s way of nudging and affirming what I feel like is a call towards seminary. I think that’s a good sign! Please continue to pray for this process.

In Vocational discernment stuff yesterday we talked about how God does speak in our lives. I think it's easy to become skeptical when people say "God is telling me to do this" but maybe God does speak to us about what we should do in small ways, but significant ways....eery coincidences like this one, gut feelings, or maybe just the ways doors seem to open and close. I've trying to learn how to recognize these things more readily, to remember that God often does speak in a small but still voice. It would be really nice if it was a loud, easy-to-hear voice! :) but I guess that would just be too easy.

Moving forward

Well, I felt a great moment of clarity and discernment today. I have decided that I am going to pursue going to seminary next year. Let me tell you how I came to this conclusion.

More than anything, this fall I've noticed how much I miss my Religious Studies classes. I miss the discussions, I miss all the interesting books we got to read (though at the time, I thought of it as 'had to read'), I miss being challenged, I miss being around so many other people who are interested in theology and being able to learn from them, etc.

This is probably going to reveal how much of a bookworm I am, but the other day, I was dying to get my hands on a book about theology and the human body. I was pondering how strange these bodies we live in are, but also how beautiful they are, and I was wondering what it looked like to live spiritually with our bodies and how we can reflect God's glory and grace through everything we do with our bodies. I would love to know what all of you think about this, by the way, because it's something I've become really interested in lately.

I read this one book called "Honoring the Body: Meditations on a Christian Practice" by Stephanie Paulsell for a Religious Studies class last year. I thought the book had some good stuff in it, and I found myself lately wanting to re-read it or something like that. I didn't realize it at the time, but I realized today that the fact that I miss that in my life is really telling.

On the way back from the retreat, I had a good theological discussion with one of my co-workers. I had been tired most of the retreat from being sick and not getting enough sleep, but that discussion energized me. We started talking about the potential downfalls of Calvinist thought- particularly pre-destination- and about social justice and change within the church. That conversation honestly made my day, and once again, it made me realize how much I miss learning about and discussing all that crazy stuff.

Finally, I went to the Bible Study class today where we were looking at Acts 19, where the apostle Paul is in Ephesus. I'll admit that I get kind of bored studying the Bible by myself and I really need to learn how to do that because it is important. But what I love about communal Bible studies is the diversity of perspectives and what everyone brings to the table. We've had some great discussions in the Bible Study class since I've been going. I'm noticing that what I love is being able to learn and grow with other people- to wrestle through Scripture which can be so mysterious and difficult to understand. Although that wouldn't be present at all seminaries, it would be present at most.

So, the bottom line is that I don't know where yet or for what, but I think I'm being called to go to seminary because I feel incomplete without that element in my life and because being in that environment makes me feel more alive. So I'm making the committment to plan to go to seminary for next year. I may change my mind as the year progresses but I think I'd better start the search and look into deadlines and such.

Please pray for that process. Also, the seminaries I'm considering so far are Princeton Theological Seminary, Vanderbilt Divinity School, Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary and Fuller Seminary. I'm still trying to discern what it is I want in a seminary but if any of you know anything about those places, I would love to hear your input!


Thanks!

Hope

Good news! I bought a new laptop today so I will be able to make these posts more regularly again!

This past week was busy but good. I think part of why I was so upset last Saturday was that I was getting sick, because I was sick with a cold this week. We had an overnight staff retreat for work. I honestly was dragging my feet about the whole thing-- I still didn't feel that great, I didn't feel like I really needed to go as a volunteer, etc. But in the end I was glad I went. It was fun and there was definitely some stuff we went over that I needed to hear. One session we did was called "tips for self-care." I think I got sick this past week was because I was not taking good enough care of myself and protecting myself from burnout working at the Campus. One thing that especially gets me sick fast is not getting enough sleep , which I have been guilty of often this past month.

At the end of the self-care clinic, we made a list of things we would commit to take better care of ourselves, and I made getting 8 hours of sleep one of mine. I didn't usually get 8 hours of sleep/night in college but I'm realizing that I can't affford to not get enough sleep when I'm working at the Campus because the days are so much longer and more hectic. The retreat also gave me the chance to get to know people on a deeper level. One thing that I noticed was that there were actually a lot of other introverts who work at the Campus. I am so drained by the end of the day having been around so many people, and there have definitely been moments where I've felt like I'm not cut out for this job. But knowing that there are other introverts who work at the Campus and have been doing it for awhile encouraged me. If they can do it, I can do it!!


Another committment I made was to not expect perfection of myself. As I said before, I tend to be too hard on myself and feel bad when I can't help. I struggle with focusing on the things I can't do or what we can't do as an organization and then I get frustrated. One tip we discussed was to know your limits and to work around them- to not have to shoot for perfect or getting every single thing done. At the end of the retreat, we were given a packet with a bunch of quotes. There were a couple quotes that spoke about this particular committment:

If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one." - Mother Theresa
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, and honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscaglia



I realize that I need to focus on what can be done, what I can do, and the questions to which I DO know the answers. Another tip was to make a gratitude list to help avoid negative thought. I think that would really help me and I'm going to spend some time listing things I'm grateful for each day after work.


We also expanded upon all of the ideals at the Campus. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned them before but they are: Spirituality, Hope, Love, Hospitality, Trust, Community, Non-Violence, and Respect. We spent a lot of time reflecting on each of these themes and this helped me understand them better.

The retreat also gave me Hope again. Several participants from the Odyssey program (the long-term rehab program at the Campus) joined us for the retreat. Hearing their stories and how far they have come was inspiring and it gave me hope. There was one person at the retreat who used to be a participant, and who had come with a lot of baggage, but who graduated from the Oddysey program and now works at the Campus. He still has a bit of a rough exterior and I'd always been a little bit intimidated by him since I started working there. I got to spend a little more time with him at the retreat. I found that behind that rough exterior was a person whose life has been transformed and who's spirit was truly alive. That reminded me that anything was possible-- that through God anyone's life can be utterly transformed. I need to believe more in that kind of redemption, and to remember that God doesn't call me to make judgments about who is hopeless and who is not, who could get back on their feet again and who can't....but to believe in God's scandalous love, redemption and the power through the Holy Spirit in people lives.

Please pray that I could come to have that scandalous kind of hope and faith, that I would stop making judgments and that I could believe in each and every participant and see them as God does. Thanks!!

God bless you all.

Let go and Let God

I think returning to work after Ghost Ranch retreat was harder on me this past week than I realized.

Whereas Ghost Ranch was peaceful, refreshing, and calm, work is chaotic, stressful, and is a bit of emotional rollercoaster. Ghost Ranch was incredible but it was hard to get back. I don't think the transition hit me until Saturday when I recieved a wave of bad news.

I felt I had been doing pretty well not getting too emotionally involved at the Campus, but the bad news I recieved on Saturday were the flood gates that broke forth and brought the water and all the feelings I had been keeping inside.

I first found out that a dear friend of mine had been hospitalized and I didn't even know if they were okay. I tried to call this person but spent the next day in frustration and fear, wondering if they were ok, because I didn't really hear anything until today.

Soon after I found out about that, I found out that a friend of mine's mom's cancer had taken a turn or the worst, and that this friend was really scared. Now, this friend is someone who has more faith than just about anyone I've ever known and it really scared me to know that even they were scared.

As I layed in bed on Saturday night, I felt overwhelmed by fear, feelings of helplessness, and feeling like my faith wasn't strong enough for what I have been called to this year. Deep down, I do believe that God's in control of everything, even amidst all of the sickness, and pain, and suffering. But on Saturday I was struggling to trust that.

I love Sundays and much of yesterday helped me work through alot of these feelings. Church cheered me up and especially because we did communion in the worship service. Communion is one of my favorite parts of church. I think it is so powerful and it always makes me think more about the nature of God as incarnate. Yesterday, it made me think of the idea that in becoming human, and especially in being rejected and crucified, God really does understand our suffering.

After church, I spent some time praying for comfort and peace. As I spent time talking to God, I realized that maybe this was again part of a control issue. I wanted to control things- to know what was going on, to have things feel better and not so bleak, to be able to help all the participants {when oftentimes we just can't] and for them to make progress so much. I felt a small voice nudging me, saying "This isn't yours to hold onto." It's not my responsibility to worry too much about whether people are okay so that it makes me sick. It's not my responsibility to heal all suffering. I needed to "Let Go and Let God."

I like to read when I'm upset about something, so I decided to go back through some of my favorite books. In Anne Lamott's book Grace Eventually, I found this quote which really hit home:

'Maybe turning things over is not the solution to everything but....' she [her Jewish friend Neshama] shrugged Hasidically, 'You do what you can. Then you get out of the way, because you're not the one who does the work.' (41)

I also started flipping through a book Wendell Berry's (one of my favorite poets) poem. If you've never read any of his stuff, I would highly recommend it. There was a poem about pain I found in there that I thought was really powerful. Let me share it with you all:

THE WAY OF PAIN by Wendell Berry

1.
For parents, the only way
is hard. We who give life
give pain. There is no help.
Yet we who give pain
give love; by pain we learn
the extremity of love.

2.
I read of Abraham's sacrifice
the Voice required of him,
so he led to the alter
and the knife his only son.
The beloved life was spared
that time, but not the pain.
It was the pain that was required.

3.
I read of Christ cruficied
the only begotten Son
sacrificed to flesh and tie
and all our woe. He died
and rose, but who does not tremble
for his pain, his loneliness,
and the darkness of the sixth hour?
Unless we grieve like Mary
at His grave, giving Him up
as lost, no Easter morning comes.

4.
And then I slept, and dreamed
the life of my only son
was required of me, and I
must bring him to the edge
of pain, not knowing why.
I woke, and yet that pain
was true. It brought his life
to the full in me. I bore him
suffering, with love like the sun,
to bright, unsparing, whole.


>

Obviously, I can't relate to the parent aspect of this poem but I loved the biblical references in it and it made me think that maybe experiencing pain a part of the process of learning and growth. I especially liked the 3rd stanza---the part about grieving like Mary and the uncertainty she felt-- the fear, the helplessness. It captured how I felt about my friend and how I see how so many of the participants feel (and thus I feel it for them.)

My superviser and I went on a walk last night and she let me talk through a lot of the emotions. I'm an introvert, so if I'm not careful I can bottle things up too much and not express them outwardly. Susan had some very encouraging words. One things she said that really stuck was that if there's no pain and suffering, then there can be no rainbow on the other side. It reminded me of the "No easter morning comes" part of the poem and that was a good reminder. I needed to hear that.

By the end of the day, I felt a lot better. I still hadn't heard from my friend but I was tired of trying to hold onto that problem myself. I was attempting to let go and give it to God to handle. I also felt reassured that God really does understand our suffering more than anyone else ever has.

Please pray that I could learn to not bottle up emotions I'm feeling at work, that I could learn to see and focus on the 'rainbows' with everything at work and in my life, and finally, that all of this would sharpen my understanding of Christ and intead of making me feel overwhelmed, that it would draw me closer to God.

Thank you!!

I'm back

hey everyone. Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I was out of town from Sept. 24th until the 28th and then my computer has been busted since I've been back. It won't even turn on now so I've figured it has completey crashed. These posts might be kind of sporadic until I get a new laptop.

Our Young Adult Volunteer national orientation retreat was so much fun. It was great to meet and get to know the other YAV's across the country. It was encouraging to hear each other's (oftentimes similar) stories. Even though we were only together 5 days, by the end, Katie and I noted that we felt like we had known the other YAV's for much longer. I don't know if it's because we were all kind of in the same boat and understand where one another were coming from (usually) or what but It was sad to say goodbye to everyone. I think everyone had a lot of fun there, and we definitely have a lot of inside jokes about funny things that happened.

The other YAV's were great people and I had some good conversations while I was there. I was talking with a couple of them about how I was thinking about going to seminary but I really didn't feel cut out to be a minister. One of them, a Tucson YAV, asked if I had ever thought about Christian counseling, because she thought I ws a really god listener and really easy to talk to. That is something I have thought about somewhat. The fact that she could see me being good at that really made me hard about it. This sounds really bad, but I have always been skeptical abou Christian counseling. I've always wondered if those who go into this field are really fit to be counselors. And maybe this makes me a bad Christian, but I dont think pyschology-based counseling is bad like so many Biblical/Christian counselors seem to. So I'm just not sure what to make of that insight.

Getting back to "real life" this week has been a bit hard because Ghost Ranch was so nice. Whereas Ghost Ranch was serene and laid-back, life back at the Campus completely the opposite. This week has been a bit draining for me because it has been so busy and I've felt like I've hardly had any me time for myself/reflection.

On a positive note,I'm learning to stand up for myself working at the Campus. I'm not naturally a very confrontational person and standing up to people is hard for me, especially when they are intimdating people (as many of the men at the Campus tend to be). They are often inappropriate when many of us young women who work there. I haven't really had anything overtly offensive said to me but I have had several comments that were inappropriate/flirty.

Please pray that I could continue to gain courage and learn how to respectfully stand up for myself.

This morning for Vocational discernment we started to share our spiritual journey(s). We ran out of time so I didn't get to share mine but I wrote it out last night so I wouldn't forget anything. One of the people who helped lead the vocational discernment at Ghost Ranch said something like "Spiritual life is usually understoin retrospect."

I've written out my faith story before but I always seem to forget things or add new things so it was good to do it again. As I looked back on my story this time, I could really see parallels and connections I hadn't seen before, so that was interesting.

Katie and I had a "revisiting the Covenant/ Community-building" meeting last night that I think was really helpful for each of us to say things we had been to afraid to say. I created a format of questions that I think we're going to use in the future and which I think are good go-to questions for building a Christian community or when there are tensions in any community.

Question 1: I appreciate it when [you] ________________________.
Question 2: I feel most supported when _______________________.
Questions 3: I feel least supported when _____________________.
Question 4: It bothers me when ______________________________.
Question 5: I feel _________________ when _____________.

Please pray that we could continue to learn to say what we really feel and what bothers us in our community--- in a respectful way, of coarse.


Thanks! I'll write again as soon as I can.