I need other people
I again apologize for the delay in writing in this blog. My computer's been dead for the last several days and it wasn't until today that it decided it would turn on again. I really am going to try to become more consistent with this (hopefully every 2 or 3 days).
I started my second week of work this week. Things have been less hectic this week, which has been nice. It has allowed me to look past feeling overwhelmed/stressed like I was last week and to actually do some reflecting. It might have been partly because I was starting a new job, and I wanted to seem competent and like I could do a good job, but I was really hard on myself last week trying to learn the ropes of my new job and adjust to it. I do have a tendency to be too hard on myself, but I started thinking about things that might have motivated how I felt. I've concluded that it's really hard for me to rely on others, and even, perhaps, that I deny that I need others.
I read a Campus Cru book called Kingdom of Couches by Will Walker a couple years ago. I was re-reading through it the other day and I found some stuff in there that reminded me of this past week:
"I just never thought that I would need them [people]...Yet on another level we want independence. We want to believe we can make it on our own, especially in spiritual life.(pgs. 17-18)
"The truth is I rarely know what I’m doing with my life, much less do I have it all together, whatever that means. I’ve been pretending, keeping(pg. 19)
others close enough to enjoy but distant enough to impress."
I thought the second was was especially insightful and convicting. I want to impress people so I feel I can't ask for help. I'm realizing how far off this is from authentic Christan community...A good but hard lesson for me!
There's also one more thing I wanted to write about. You know, it's funny. I've rarely understood resenting those who have more than you {materialistically} until now. Giving up a lot of luxuries I could afford before has definitely been hard for me. And all of a sudden, when I see people around enjoying all of these luxuries, it really annoys me, and-- to be honest- makes me a little jealous as I wish I could enjoy daily Starbucks coffee and other things splendid things. I found another great quote in that Kingdom of Couches book that relates to this:
"There are things that Christians should tell themselves in these
situations: God gives us what we can handle; It’s not about what
you have, it’s about stewardship of what you have; life is more than
material possessions; be content in all things. That’s neat. I still
wanted the house on the lake and the $140K." (pg. 24)
LOL. I really identified with this quote and I loved how honest the author was. Half the time I'm really not sure what God was thinking calling me to live like this-- I really don't feel like the right person most of the time.
Working at the campus, I see a lot of people battling with substance addictions. It's funny how we label some people as "addicts". I've been examining my own self lately and wondering if I am also an addict-- I am addicted to attention, spending more money than I really need to, and to sweets and candy. I am especially addicted to consuming! A dear friend of mine let me borrow a collection of Fenelon (otherwise known as Francois de Salignac de La Mothe Fenelon), a priest who was a spiritual adviser during 14th century France. Fenelon talks a lot about "dying to self" and "taking up one's Cross" -basically the same thing. I have found many of these letters comforting and encouraging. One thing I highlighted the other night was the phrase, " Every cross He gives is for our profit." I am really trying to keep that in mind right now, during moments when this new lifestyle and job feel agonizing.
Well, it's getting late so I'd better scoot. Please pray right now for community at our house, that my roommate and I could learn to communicate better with one another and love another more, and that I could continue to learn the ropes at my new job.
Thanks, and God Bless!
I'll write again in 2-3 days (really, seriously this time!) :)
posted by Blair @ 5:45 PM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
It seems you and I are learning the same lessons. One of the things that I've really, *really* had to learn from teaching is to not be nearly as hard on myself as I normally am, as there's no one here to tell me "Hey, you're doing fine. Shut up."
The other thing I've had to learn is just how much I actually need people. You and I are pretty similar in our rugged individualism (coupled with a save-the-world complex) - it wasn't until the tail end of last year (by which I mean last March through August, especially August) that I realized just how much I actually do need people in order to be healthy.
Moreover, it wasn't until last August that I realized how much I depend on the people around me, now that I was a part of a living, breathing community (rather than one who participates but is not a member)....
So that's made the transition here hard, too, but I'm a lot closer (read: 5 hrs driving) to those communities... this doesn't make it any easier to find a similar community here, but it makes the weekends nicer.
So it makes for a lot of loneliness, but there's an upshot. I've been figuring out the types of work I want to do, and the people I need to work with, to have fun with, and to love and immerse myself in. These are the people I see when I go back to Lincoln (it's amazing how much your social life gets pared down when you're only allowed to spend 28 hours in a place at a time).
Will Walker is right about community - not only do we need friends, we need people who are doing the same kind of work that we are.
I don't mean like "job" work, necessarily, but the deeper, purposeful work. The big service stuff... the stuff that we feel like we were born to do.
The stuff, I think, that people such as you and I are working on, or at least starting to work on.
Paul writes, in "Romans", that we are not saved at all by work alone. What he means, I think, is that there is no resume-checking at the pearly-gates (St. Peter: "So, I see you've got 5 years of experience and a grad degree in your field... we've got several candidates, but we'll be in touch."), but I like to think also that he is calling us to not focus so much on our own accomplishments, but rather on the things much bigger than ourselves.
Obviously, my religious beliefs are more than a bit different from your own, and I'm certainly no hermeneutical scholar (exegetics? pshaw!) or what have you, but at the very least, I believe that personal accomplishments are not as important as the cause being served, and very rarely can exist in a vacuum (outside of other people, I mean).
So we surround ourselves with community, no? We tell ourselves that we should ask for help.
That said, I still do a very, very poor job of asking for help when I need it (this teaching job, as much as I don't want it to be, is a proving grounds for myself in my mind, though I'm slowly, slowly working on coming to terms with my own mediocrity), but I'm getting better at putting myself around people who give help and support and encouragement (and even love?) without me needing to ask for it, and for whom I can give those things, too...
Good luck, Blair. And best wishes.
-Andrew
p.s. the fellow who introduced you to "Kingdom of Couches" is undoubtedly an awesome dude, who almost certainly has "amazing hair" as his best quality. You should someday give him a high-five.
Well, to both Blair and Andrew:
"Hey, you're doing fine. Shut up."
Sounds like you (Blair) are really wading through some deep thoughts there and working to place yourself in your community.
I really appreciated that section that you posted: "keeping others close enough to enjoy, but distant enough to impress." I also do that...a lot. Seems that maybe we have that in common. I got to really thinking about this and realized that I must have thought that this would be easier. You know, hide the dirt that covers me and not involve people in all that I am. I think that we often do this even with our closest of friends. Luckily, there are people who are able to fight their way close enough to truly see you and be able to even reach out and support you.
Seems that relationships need that big, ever-so-important push to avoid becoming just a "pretend" situation. As brothers and sisters in the church, we must make that step and be willing to rely on each other...and support each other.
I seem to have plenty of time these days to just evaluate myself. Some days it is inspiring and others it is just...rough! But, mostly I find ways to avoid delving too deep into my actions and thoughts. Ugh...it just sounds so messy!
By the way, I am jealous of both you and Andrew. You guys have been placed in communities that need your gifts and talents. You have been given the opportunities to serve others. And, the communities that you have been plunged into are making you examine yourselves and just how you interact in a community. I liken it to trying to take a speed-reading class while being taught to swim by a big, burly coach whose idea of teaching is just throwing you in and yelling commands. Am I close?
Well, I am eager to join you in the ranks of service to others. I am still an alternate on the Americorps NCCC program and recently found out that it could be as late as October 6th that I receive my placement for Fall training that starts...October 6th! Hmmm...Yet, I am still determined, but also pondering that new community and being able to ask for help.
So, as I busy myself with chores around the house (living with my parents again and not have much to do is...well, hazardous to my relaxing time!), I think of you guys and a few other friends who are off venturing into the world and finding communities that they can make a difference in...you know, saving the world!!
Blair, I also agree with you regarding that addiction issue. We are creatures of habit and eventually routine, which develops into addiction. Your thoughts on living a simpler life and avoiding luxuries had me examining my own life and whether or not I could really live simpler. I like to think so, but I know that I have attachments to silly things. Let's see...well, movies and Scrubs come to mind....and wine! Definitely wine! Hehe
Well, I will end this comment here.
Good luck with everything, to both you and Andrew. Call me whenever!
In the words of that big, burly swim coach:
"Just move stuff around. You'll get it eventually. Then, just keep swimming!"
I think that last part might be from Finding Nemo...whatever!
Love ya!
Thanks for your comments, Jeremiah and Andrew. You all are the first people who have taken advantage of the discussion element of this blog-- thanks for putting that into action!
I guess it's easier [though, in the end, maybe not really] to try to do it on your own but I suppose we really are pretty lost without others. I know I am..
You know, it's kind of interesting that so many people our age -and not just people doing service work but especially people doing service work- are thinking about their role in community and their greater purpose. Maybe it's because many of us are straight out of college and thus are still passionate about many social issues or maybe this is the first step in the long journey! I guess we'll find out.
P.S.I really like your analogy, Jeremiah, about an unsymapthetic swim coach or a speed-reading class.
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