Reality sets in

hey everyone,

I'm so sorry it's been several days since I've written. This week, especially with starting work, has been a very busy week.

Sunday was busy with church and lots of activities. Katie and I were commissioned at both church services, so it was an early morning, and then afterwards they had a reception for us. went to a Sunday school class between the services and decided that I would go to the Bible Study class for that. I tend to be both kind of shy around new people and introverted so I didn't say a lot during the class but more than anything I was trying to take everything in and observe the dynamics and what was being said. I felt bad that I didn't add more to the discussion but when I mentioned it to someone in the group at the reception, he said they had just come to feel comfortable around one another themselves- comfortable enough to share and speak their mind. I can't tell you how many people came up to us at church and said hi. It's probably because we were commissioned in church, but I have never felt so welcome and accepted at a church before. It's really encouraging to know that the Congregation is as happy we are here as we are to be a part of the congregation.


That evening we met up with past Young Adult Volunteers (many of them are still in the area) for dinner at Susan's house and that was fun. It was good to hear their stories about the year, their advice, and what they miss most.

Monday was our first day of work and Monday morning came very fast since I was supposed to be at work at 7:45. I was relieved that I found the place okay and didn't get lost. My first day (ok, actually my first week so far) was a whirlwind and things were so chaotic that there were moments that were so frantic I don't remember them. They put me at the desk with another staff worker to try to learn the ropes. I had no idea there was SOO much information to learn and try to remember-- and of coarse, the participants (the homeless people we serve) expect you to have answers and get mad when you don't. I've spent a lot of time referring people to staff who know the answer to their question. At noon, the Campus shuts down for lunch and things get pretty quiet, which is nice. It was some good peace and quiet amidst all the chaos. Part of the time in the morning I helped out in the "day room", which is the room full of toys and a TV and books/magazine/computers where people stay during the day. I got to play Monopoly with a couple participants, one of whom we'll call Hobbes. Hobbes and I played Connect 4 together afterwards and it was really a lot of fun. Hobbes is a quiet, African American man who is probably in his late 60's and he has a lot of facial hair. Because of his beard, he reminds me a bit of those Ewoks from Star Wars. An important principle in working at the Campus is to not show favorites because it affects the community and doesn't show equality. I think that's an important thing to remember, because I could easily let Hobbes become one of my favorites.

My last day of work for the week is tomorrow, and I am very glad. I have to admit that this week has been very overwhelming and exhausting. I've felt all sorts of emotions all at once. Although learning to be around homeless people has definitely been an experience, I think what has overwhelmed me more than anything this week is trying to retain and remember all of the information that has been thrown at me-- all of the rules/policies that I need to relay, all of the programs at the Campus (there's a lot!) and how they all function, all of the systems. Things at the Campus get really really hectic so that you barely have a moment to stop and breathe because you're constantly answering questions [or, in my case, trying to], going and retrieving something for someone, or looking up information. Each day is packed full with stuff, including daily staff meetings. To be honest, the chaos and what seems like disorganization has really been hard for me. I've been frustrated by the fact that the Campus didn't seem fully ready for me to work here. For instance, even though one requires keys to get to the bathroom and other important areas of the building, I still don't have keys and I have had to rely on other people or wait until someone comes to let me in to get from place to place. Second, it hasn't seemed like it's been that much of a priority to get me oriented. I guess this is just the nature of a place like that but it's made getting acclimated a bit hard.

I've struggled this week with feeling helpless and having to rely so much on other people when I feel like I ought to be contributing. I can be a bit of a control freak at times and it's been hard for me to not know what's going on half the time and to feel so out of resources/knowledge. But at the same time, maybe this is God's way of giving me a glimpse at poverty and how that is probably the norm for those stuck in poverty and homelessness. I also tend to be too hard on myself and it's been hard to give myself a break when I feel like I'm not being efficient or like today, when I didn't get sort through all the mail I had hoped to get through. I think it's really humbling for me, though, because it reminds me I can't do it on my own and that I don't have to have it all together, and it's Okay. It reminds me how dependent I am on others and God to get me through each day.

I came away from work today feeling so frustrated, and honestly, kind of hopeless. I felt like I was in no way cut out for this job[feeling like I couldn't deal with the stressful, hectic pace; feeling like I was too sensitive of a person; feeling like I'd never learn all the ins and outs] and was wondering what I(or God) was thinking. Please pray that I could trust that God really did call me here, that I could learn to stop being so hard on myself, that I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed with everything, that I could learn how to stay calm with the chaos and hectic pace, and that I could learn how to be a part of this community. Thanks!

Okay, well I'd better go. I'm going to try to head to bed within the next hour (by 9, ..... how lame is that?).


Grace and Peace,

Blair